Elephants baby

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's. 

A man

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life

Quickest ways of spreading a rumour

What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).

• Telegram
• Telephone
• Tell a woman

Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle. 

Jerk

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk! 

Wedding ring

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

Scotsman

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. 
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone." 

Amarica

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. 
Maria: This is it. 
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? 
Class: Maria did. 

English language

What is the longest word in the English language? 
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!" 

Experiment

Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog. 

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs. 

For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs. 

For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg. 

As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.